So, get this. My mom comes home from work today with a $70.00 bottle of Estee Lauder's new scent, "Knowing." Now, for those of you who don't know her, let me fill you in on a little detail. In all 26 years of my life, I don't ever recall my mom buying ANYTHING for herself, EVER.
"Did YOOOOOOOUUUUUU buy perfume, mom!?" I inquired.
"Oh no!" she responded. "There's a very nice Indian woman who comes into the store every once in a while. The last time she was in I complimented her perfume. So she bought me a bottle! Can you believe it!? I told her I couldn't accept it but she kept insisting....she said I'm the nicest lady ever!"
Recapitulating, this genteel patron--whose roots lie in Mother Theresa's homeland, has the nerve to tell MY MOM that she's the NICEST LADY EVER!
In my family, we are taught to be overly nice to the needy and the greedy. "You'll be rewarded in return." Yet the only one who benefits from this self-deprecating behavior is my mother.
She doesn't like wearing her seatbelt, and will sometimes unfasten it while driving. This has driven my siblings and me up the wall for years. Shortly after Michigan enacted a seatbelt law, she was pulled over for non-compliance. I'll never forget the day she came home to tell us about it. Finally, I thought. With smug satisfaction, I began the speech,
"Well mom," I proceeded to say, "It's about time you..."
She interrupted.
"And when the officer approached, I realized it was none other than my good friend Marty from high school!!! What a small world we live in.. I mean, we looked at each other and literally gasped! And he wanted to know everything about all of you!!"
"So you didn't get the ticket, right?"
"Well, no Laura, I didn't."
That's not as absurd a story as the time she talked herself out of a speeding ticket because she was "waiting for an important call" from my dad at our house. Let me fill you in on the last time I was gifted a citation in that very speed trap. I had just finished spending the past 4 hours in a doctor's chair having dental surgery, and drooled my plea through lopsided, puffy purple lips as my tongue hung out of my mouth; "Pweez Ofizer....I cah't tak my mehwecine uhtil i'h home."
Need I mention the day she had no cash to pay a parking attendant after hours of shopping on the town, and happened upon a crisp twenty dollar bill laying next to her car? Or what about stalling in a parking lot 20 minutes before work, only to hitch a ride with the tow truck man parked across from her. She once lifted a heavy bag of potatoes out of a nun's shopping cart so the cashier could scan it, "Oh, you are the angel of my day!" the nun replied, "Tonight I will say the rosary for you!" An entire rosary??!! That must explain why she was able to find a book on rare creatures from down under at Rite-Aid, nonetheless, the night Joey tardily--and that's an understatement, told her he had a no internet allowed presentation due the next morning on some type of red Australian frog.
I just don't get it...
2 comments:
If you were a faithful Lost fan you'd think twice about wanting a lucky lottery ticket.
Your mom should set up a booth on a street corner and charge to have people rub her belly for good luck. The $20 next to the car is uncanny!
But Laura, I do miss you! I know you are a busy little law person, but let's have a blog update! I don't need anything big, just a sign that you didn't get killed by some crazy defendant.
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